


5 Times Luke Saw Noah Shirtless... And 1 Time He Did Something About It

by carolinablu85



Category: As the World Turns
Genre: Angst and Humor, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Reuniting And It Feels So Good
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-16
Updated: 2011-10-16
Packaged: 2017-10-24 17:02:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/265822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolinablu85/pseuds/carolinablu85
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They break and break and break... until they don't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	5 Times Luke Saw Noah Shirtless... And 1 Time He Did Something About It

**Author's Note:**

> Basically this is just me exploring some angst so I can write gratuitous descriptions of shirtless Noah Mayer. Thank you for reading!

_1\. December 2009_

Luke was doing his inevitable walk past Noah’s door, a walk he did probably every other hour or so, and was shocked to see the door open. Noah almost always kept it closed, with him on one side and the world (and Luke) on the other.

But now it was open, and he unconsciously softened his steps. He didn’t want Noah to know he walked by several times a day to check on him (or check on his door, more accurately.) So he tiptoed up to the room, telling himself he’d just peek in, make sure Noah was there and breathing, and then he’d leave him alone. Like Noah obviously wanted.

But that plan left the building with Elvis the moment he hit the doorway. There was Noah standing by the bed, looking down at the shirt in his hands.  _No_ , Luke snapped at himself.  _Not looking down. Not looking at anything_. His eyes- his beautifully blue, expressive, window-to-his-soul eyes- were empty and blank, just like they had been for the last few weeks.  _Someone with eyes that gorgeous shouldn’t be blind_ , Luke railed at God (again).

However, someone with a body that gorgeous  _should_  be shirtless… which Noah was at the moment, a t-shirt held stiffly in his hands. Luke forgot about every dark thought in his head for a moment, confronted with the sight of his boyfriend looking so damn hot. Luke’s eyes trailed a path from broad shoulders he used to lean his head against, down a chest he used to kiss, and down abs he used to trace with his hands.

It had been a long time- weeks- since Luke had seen him like this. When Noah got home from the hospital, he had cut himself off from everything. It had been days since Noah had really ventured out of the room. It had been days since they’d touched.

Not like he had been counting, though. That would be petty and trivial. Noah was going through something traumatic, and Luke shouldn’t be dwelling on the last time he had run a finger around the trail of hair below his belly button, or the last time he had run his tongue along the dip of his collar bone...

He was brought out of his thoughts (probably luckily) when Noah let out a frustrated groan, dropping unsteadily to sit on the edge of his bed, shirt still in his hands. He was carefully trailing fingertips along the edges of the shirt, feeling for the line of buttons. As Luke watched, he started undoing each button slowly and carefully, until he got caught up in the material and suddenly there was a tiny  _ping!_ sound as a button popped off the shirt and hit the floor.

Noah’s entire face fell so devastatingly that Luke was pulled forward a step. But Noah, still oblivious, turned and tossed the shirt off to the side with an almost-growl, into a corner of the room. Luke followed its progress and saw it land in a pile of clothes. Shirts with rips, a pair of jeans that Noah had torn when he tripped and fell the other day... a pile of clothes ruined since he had become blind.

Luke hated that pile. He wanted to gather it all up into a trashcan and set it on fire. He thought about waiting for Noah to be asleep or out of the room so he could take them out of there, but then he realized it didn’t matter. It wasn’t like Noah could see if it was there or not…

He switched his gaze back to Noah, watching as he buried his face in his hands, breathing heavily. Luke once again stared at the lines of his back, the muscles tense and shaking, the curve of his spine. His thoughts might have continued down that path, but then he realized Noah wasn’t just breathing heavily. He was crying.

He hadn’t seen Noah cry since that day he and Damian had rescued him from Colonel. That had been six months ago. A lifetime ago. But since the accident? The accident that had actually killed him- stopped his heart- for a minute or two, had taken away his sight and possibly ruined his future forever? Noah had only been stoic and angry. He hadn’t cried.

The heaving, bone-breaking sobs he was hearing now were almost too much for Luke, and he took a few more steps closer, actually in the room now. And then he stopped.

He couldn’t do anything.

Noah would hate him for trying to comfort him, and hate himself for showing weakness. He’d hate Luke for spying on him, and hate himself for not knowing Luke was there to begin with. Was it really worth going through all of that?

So even though it made  _him_  hate himself a little bit, Luke backed out of the room silently. He took a few steps away, and then leaned against a wall, closing his own eyes. Wondering how he was going to get through this.

He stood there, waiting, listening as the crying subsided. He could actually hear Noah pull himself together and wobble his way to the closet. He listened as Noah found a t-shirt and after a bit of fumbling pulled it on, covering up that beautiful body.

And now  _he_  wanted to cry. For Noah’s pain and bravery, and for himself stuck on the other side of the door. More than anything, he hated that he didn’t know how to do this the way Noah wanted him to.

It was going to break one of them. Maybe both.

 _2\. May 2010_

He opened the door with a shaking hand, praying to God his parents or Reid or whoever weren’t in the room. He couldn’t deal with it right now. He just had to see Noah, watch him breathe, without having to be reminded that he might never wake up. That something might be wrong.

Noah wasn’t alone in the room, unfortunately, but a nurse was there.  _Alison_. She was pulling a blanket up over the lower half of Noah’s body, gently undoing the ties of his hospital gown, talking softly as she did.

He blinked. “Ali? What are you doing?”

She jumped, startled, but smiled when she saw who it was. “Hey Luke,” her voice was still quiet, but pleasant. Not sad and concerned, like his mom’s had been. It must’ve been her professional nurse voice. “We thought it was time Noah got out of these gowns and into some more comfortable clothing.” She nodded to the gray t-shirt folded on the bed next to Noah’s leg.

“Oh,” was all he could think to say, tracking her movements as she got the last tie on the gown undone.

“Alright Mayer, I’m getting this thing off you now,” she spoke as though Noah could hear her. “I know you hate them. Hey, this was probably the last time you had to wear one! That’s something.” She turned back to Luke. “Since you’re here, do you want to help me?”

“M-me?” Luke clasped his hands together. Part of him was afraid that touching Noah at all would just do more harm.

“Well duh,” she grinned, for a second looking and sounding just like Casey. “Is there anyone else in this town who has experience undressing Noah?”

He smiled a little painfully. A flash of memory from the day before- at Katie’s house. Hands yanking at the buttons of his shirt, shoving at his jacket, trying to get it off him-

He shook himself back into the present, taking a determined step forward. “What do I do?”

Her smile widened in a way that almost looked relieved, but Luke didn’t want to think about it too hard. She was Noah’s roommate, he had no idea what or how much Noah had told her. Luckily Ali was already on the mission at hand. “I already got some scrubs pants on him, I just need help lifting him up a bit so we can get the gown off, and then the t-shirt on. Can you lift?”

He rubbed suddenly sweaty hands on his jeans. “Sure.” He could do this. He could. He swallowed hard and gently grasped Noah by the shoulders, lifting his upper body up a few inches off the bed so Ali could slide his arms out of the gown and pull it away.

“Alright Mayer, you’re free of the dreaded gown!” Ali said cheerfully, squeezing his arm lightly as she reached for the shirt.

Luke shifted a little, sitting on the edge of the bed, still cradling Noah close to him. God, this was the first time he was touching bare skin (he shoved away another flash of memory from yesterday) in months. It was the first time he had seen Noah, so close and unguarded, in at least as much time. His fingers itched to run through dark hair, across shoulder blades, down to...

“He’s thinner,” he found himself saying. Where had that come from? It was true though, Noah had lost weight in the last few months. Whether it was before or after their breakup, he didn’t know. Didn’t want to know. He was still beautiful, of course, but he didn’t look like  _his_ Noah.

 _He’s not your Noah_ , an ugly, angry voice whispered in his brain.

“He, uh, he hasn’t been eating all that regularly lately,” Ali admitted, scrunching up the gray t-shirt in her hand so she could slip it over Noah’s head.

Luke felt something in him twist at that, and he had to bite his lip to keep from continuing the conversation. Instead he eased Noah gently back onto the pillows, taking one of Noah’s arms and sliding it through a sleeve as Ali did the same with the other. Then, without thinking, he smoothed the shirt down over his torso, rubbing his hand softly across Noah’s stomach, just like he used to do when Noah was sick or upset.

It was just as he got the urge to lean over and kiss where his hand was touching that he remembered where he was. And who he was with. And the fact that Noah wasn’t his boyfriend anymore, he couldn’t just kiss him. (Another flash, another moment in Katie’s living room, another pair of lips pressing onto his...)

He shook his head when Ali started talking again. “Okay sweetheart, you are officially free of the gown! Now get that brain working and those eyes open, okay?” She paused to kiss his forehead quickly before picking up the discarded gown and tossing it in a laundry bin.

"You keep doing that,” Luke commented, still sitting on the bed, still watching Noah breathe.

“Doing what?” Ali eyed him curiously.

“You talk to him like he’s okay. Like he can hear you and understand,” he couldn’t not touch Noah now, so he carefully picked up a hand, held it between both of his.

Ali shrugged. “Maybe he can. And it being Noah, I’m pretty sure he’d like to know what’s going on around him. He doesn’t want to be treated like an invalid or something.” She said it without any judgment, but Luke still felt like wincing. “You should do it too,” she said softer.

“Talk to him?” he watched Noah’s chest rise and fall, pulling at the tight material of the gray shirt.

“Yeah. I bet he’d like to hear your voice. He told me once that he...” she stopped herself, then continued before Luke to find any words. “Anyway, you should really talk to him. It can’t hurt, if anything else.” She smiled one more time, reached out to squeeze Noah’s leg, and then was gone.

Luke slowly slid off the bed and into the nearby chair, not letting go of Noah’s hand.  _Talk to him_ , he echoed in his head. What the hell was he supposed to say? That he and Reid had kissed yesterday, while Noah was in a coma? That Luke was terrified that this latest medical drama was God’s way of punishing him for looking at another man? That seeing Noah half-naked, holding him against his own body, had made Luke want to kiss him until they were both senseless and nothing else mattered?

Really? He couldn’t tell Noah any of that. He wanted to tell Noah he still loved him, that he was so scared and so sorry and a million other things... But he couldn’t, because Noah couldn’t hear him. So instead Luke sat and held Noah’s hand between his. Watched his chest rise and fall. And waited.

The same silence that had been between them for the last six months was still there. And then it was broken by the door opening, and the arrival of Reid Oliver.

 _3\. July 2010_

The heat wave that had struck southern Illinois made pretty much any movement of any kind unbearable. And while he could’ve walked to Old Town from the WorldWide office, Luke was pretty sure he’d be a smelly, sweaty, disgusting mess by the time he got to Al’s and his lunch date with Reid.

And that’s why he ended up driving instead. And that’s why he ended up driving by Ali and Noah’s apartment building. The walk from WorldWide to Al’s wasn’t far at all, but the drive required taking a few more turns. One of which sent him down Franklin Street.

Luke pulled up to the red light at the corner of Franklin and Columbus, and made the mistake of looking towards the building. It was a habit he had built up whenever he passed by this way, looking for Noah’s truck parked- as always- in the third spot from the left. When it was there, Luke would occasionally imagine Noah inside watching a movie, cooking dinner. When it wasn’t there, he was left to wonder if Noah was working a shift at Java, or in class, or out with... people that weren’t him.

Today the truck was there, third spot from the left. And standing right next to it, unloading bags and buckets from the back, were Noah and Casey. Ali was off to the side, setting up at the picnic table next to the building’s barbeque grill. Luke watched as Noah and Casey, laughing and joking about something, carried the bags over to her.

He couldn’t tear his eyes away. Not from Noah’s grin, big and goofy and almost too much for his face. Not from Noah’s legs, stretched out long in front of him when he sat on the ground by Ali’s feet. And definitely not from Noah’s chest when he casually stripped off his t-shirt, throwing it in Casey’s face.

That weight Noah had lost before and during the surgery was back. In all the right ways. Had Noah been working out since he got his sight back? How was it possible that he looked so good, so filled out and sculpted, so... grown up? It made Luke feel like a flabby, incompetent _kid_  in comparison. God, Noah looked good. And he looked good without Luke. That pissed him off for reasons he couldn’t understand.

He watched the three of them joke around, Casey pulling off his own shirt as he worked the grill, Noah and Ali preparing the rest of the food at the table. He noticed how easily they worked together, how comfortable the three of them were. It made him wonder just how much he had missed this summer.

He missed his friends, that was for sure. He had been hoping he’d run into them at the annual Oakdale Fourth of July picnic last week, usually the biggest event of the summer. But the three of them had been strangely absent. Though, when he had mentioned it to Holden later, his dad had given him a patented ‘Luke, you really are dense sometimes’ look, and pointed out that it was possible Noah hadn’t wanted to be around the fireworks. Luke had spent the next hour or so fighting against smacking himself in the face and telling himself it was too late to call Noah. Oh so late.

He did miss them. He missed having friends, being with people his own age. He missed hanging out with someone where every conversation and action didn’t have to  _mean_ something or define everything. He missed being himself, occasionally saying stupid things without feeling stupid for having said them.

He missed Casey’s oafishness, his crazy eight-year-old grin, his ability to sing AC/DC at the top of his lungs without embarrassment. He missed the way Ali would listen to a story with insanely wide eyes, as though it were the most exciting thing in the world, he missed the way she would always smile in understanding when someone needed to vent. He missed Noah’s...

The light turned green then, and Luke sped away, probably breaking a traffic law or two as he left.

 _4\. August 2010_

Luke could hear the shrieks and laughter even before Reid had turned the car off, before he opened the door. He also heard the sigh Reid tried to hide at the noise, and he hid his own irritation at Reid’s attitude. It wasn’t anything worth getting into right now.

He himself couldn’t help but smile at the yelling he could hear, recognizing the voices of Ethan, Natalie, and Sage playing at the pond, and he wondered who his mom had gotten to babysit at the last minute, as he knew everyone else was pretty busy with other stuff today. “I’m gonna run out to the pond and say hi, are you-”

“Staying here by the car? Yeah, good idea. I think I will.” Reid leaned back against the closed car door, crossing his arms.

Luke smirked and shook his head at the same time, not surprised in the least. He took the path down towards the pond, reveling in the smell and feel of Snyder Farm. It had been so long since he had been here to just... be.

He felt the smirk slide into a grin as the voices of his siblings and cousin got louder. They were really having fun, he could tell that much. Maybe he could convince Reid to cut loose for just a few minutes and join in. They had yet to go swimming in the pond together, which was weird. He and Noah had been in the water by the time they...

Luke cut off his own thoughts. No. He wasn’t thinking about-

Noah.

Was there, in the pond with the kids. Laughing and play-yelling as Nat and Sage chased him through the water, with Ethan along for the ride hanging onto his shoulders. Luke remembered the last time he and Noah had been in the pond together, when he had been holding those shoulders in fairly similar way...

He watched unnoticed for a few minutes as Noah splashed his way around the pond, keeping one arm firmly around Ethan, pretending to sink under the water and then springing back up at the last second, causing Ethan to scream with laughter. And all while doing this, he was avoiding the girls trying to tag and dunk him, teasing every time they missed.

They were racing in the shallows when Natalie spied Luke standing there. “Luke!” she shrieked, face flushed and bright. “Are you here to play too?”

The rest of the group turned as one to face him, varying reactions on their faces. Luke forced himself not to stare at Noah, that damn chest glistening from water and sunlight and was Noah  _still_  working out? Had that muscle tone somehow gotten even more... dear Jesus, Luke needed to look away. Because he had a boyfriend, and that boyfriend wasn’t Noah.

Unfortunately, looking away from his chest left Luke to look at Noah’s face and the painfully hopeful and painfully guarded expression there. And he could see the way Noah’s arm was still gentle and secure around his baby brother, how Ethan’s arms were wrapped happily around Noah’s neck. He tried to imagine his boyfriend like that with Ethan, but his mind just drew a blank.

That reminded him to answer Nat’s question. “Sorry kiddo, we- I’m just here to drop of some stuff for Dad.”

He wanted to leave it at that, but Nat was nothing if not a Snyder. “Is Reid with you?”

He hesitated, and in that moment saw Noah’s face fall out of the corner of his eye. Gritting his teeth a little, he nodded, faking a cheerful voice. “Yeah he is.”

“Oh,” Natalie’s tone changed. Not to hostile or upset by any means, but to disinterested. “Then never mind. He wouldn’t play games with us like you and Noah do.”

“Noah made up a game called ‘Dunk Dunk Goose!’” Sage added, treading water next to her cousin.

“Goose!” Ethan echoed, shouting happily, squeezing his arms tighter around Noah.

Luke had to look away, knowing Noah was doing the same thing. “Well, you guys have fun then, okay? Do some extra dunks for me.”

He waved as the kids called out farewells, and his back was already turned when he heard a soft goodbye from Noah’s voice. Noah’s mouth. Noah’s lips and… He was glad his back was turned. He wasn’t sure he could handle seeing that face (or, okay, that chest) again right now.

He stumbled his way back through the path to the barn and house. For the first time since they broke up, Luke began to wonder just what the hell he was doing with his life.

 _5\. September 2010_

He remembered sitting down on the bar stool. He remembered ordering a drink. He remembered taking that first gulp.

But that’s pretty much it.

He had no idea how long he’d been at this bar, but he knew it’d been four days since Reid died. Since the plug was pulled and the monitor stopped beeping. Since ashes were scattered and arrangements were made and Luke’s entire way of thinking came to a screeching halt. Everything he had spent the summer, the whole year, building around... was gone. His life was back at square one. No, less than that. A boyfriend dead and gone, a devastated ex-lover alive but almost gone.

Life sucked.

But it sucked a little less when there was alcohol to numb his brain and mouth and fingers. That’s the stage he was at right now. Things were more than hazy, so when someone wrapped an arm around him and bodily lifted him off the stool, he only barely struggled, and stopped the moment a familiar voice whispered in his ear, “Stop Luke. Let me take you home.”

He stopped. He let the voice take him home. Not his home, he realized some time later when that arm was around him again, helping him out of a truck that was really about twenty feet too high off the ground. Truck. He knew someone who owned a truck. He parked it in the third spot from the left, didn’t he?

“Noah?” he slurred out.

“Yeah, Luke?” the voice answered, tight and controlled. If Luke were a little more aware, he’d probably be able to decipher all the emotions in Noah’s voice. He’d always been able to do that. But right now he was barely aware of what color his blue jeans were.  

“I drank tonight,” he confessed.

“I know,” Noah commented lightly. “We’re going to get you cleaned up, and you’re going to sleep this off, okay? Then in the morning you can explain to your dad what you did and he can drag you to get a checkup.”

“Okay, fine,” Luke leaned into him a little more, liking the feeling of that long, warm body propping him up. Enveloping him. “I shouldn’t be here,” he found himself saying.

Noah sighed a little. “Well, it’s not like I was going to take you back to Lily’s house. Or the farm. Not like this.”

Luke had to concede that. “But you’re not my boyfriend,” he tried to explain. Why was Noah putting up with him? And why was he all of a sudden now tense, pulling away from Luke a little bit like he was hurt?

“I know that, Luke,” came the quiet reply.

“You don’t have to take care of me,” he tried to explain, though his tone came off a little more slurry and grumpy than he intended. He was supposed to have a boyfriend who did this stuff for him. A boyfriend who wasn’t stupid enough to get himself killed. He wasn’t supposed to have to rely on the one guy on earth he had probably hurt more than should be possible. Why was Noah voluntarily doing this for him? Why was he doing this to himself?

None of those questions, comments, or concerns made it out of his head though. Noah just took a deep breath, never responding, and a few seconds later they were inside the bathroom. Luke wondered if they had gone through some sort of wormhole that skipped the rest of the apartment, because he couldn’t remember walking through the front door at all.

“This isn’t where I sleep,” Luke pointed out, swaying when Noah’s body temporarily left its place next to him to flip on a light switch and start the shower running.

“I’m not letting you fall asleep right away,” Noah explained slowly. “You need to get some of this out of your system, sober up some. Can’t have you throwing up in your sleep.” Luke was so distracted by his words that he completely missed the part where Noah stripped him of his t-shirt and jeans (hey! They were blue!) and he even missed the part where Noah pulled off his own shirt and jeans and dragged them both into the shower.

“Fuck! Cold!” Luke snapped when his bare shoulder and part of his face came in contact with the water.

“It’s supposed to be,” Noah grunted, both of his arms wrapped around Luke to hold him upright, his upper body providing support for Luke to lean on. “Just a minute or two, Luke, I promise.”

He shifted the showerhead so it was spraying cool mist across Luke’s face, and he had to admit it felt good. He moaned softly, leaning forward into Noah’s hold a little more. “Noah...”

“If you feel like you might throw up, ba- Luke, go ahead, okay? Get it out if you can,” Noah’s voice was soft, reassuring, just like his grip on Luke’s middle and upper body.

Luke just moaned again, now leaning back into Noah, into hard wet muscle and skin.  _Damn it._ Even drunk as he was, Luke knew this could potentially be a bad idea. Or a good one. He couldn’t remember. But standing under a spray of cold water? Not the way he wanted to spend his night. After a few more seconds he waved a hand, signaling he’d had enough.

Noah reached past him and shut off the water, then stepped both of them out of the shower. “Okay,” he still spoke so softly. “Wait here just a second.” He sat Luke down gently on the closed toilet lid and wrapped a giant towel around him. “I’ll be right back. Do you want water or coffee?”

His stomach rolled a little at the thought of hot, dense liquid. “Water,” he murmured quickly.

“Okay,” Noah said again. “Let me go get you some dry clothes and a bottle of water.” He grabbed another towel and draped it haphazardly around himself, hesitated for a second, then picked up a smaller towel and ran it over Luke’s wet hair for a few seconds. “H-here,” he stumbled on the word a little, dropping the towel into Luke’s hands.

By the time Luke figured out what he was supposed to do with it, clumsily trying to wipe his hair and face, Noah was crouched down in front of him again. He had a t-shirt and sweatpants in his hands, eyeing Luke worriedly. “Hey,” Luke managed to say.

One side of Noah’s mouth tilted up in a painful imitation of a smile. “Hey,” he said back. “Do you need help putting these on?”

Luke shook his head, accepting the offered clothes, recognizing Noah’s old gray OU t-shirt. His hands shook a little staring at it. Lily had bought it for Noah and given it to him freshman year during Parents Weekend. Noah had tried to hide in his dorm, not wanting to think about what type of weekend it was, but Lily and Holden had insisted on him coming along with them instead. The first time Noah had been a part of the family...

He blinked hard, quickly pulling the shirt on, peeking out of the bathroom to see Noah in his bedroom, pulling on a pair of pajama pants. He shook his head, reminding himself of pants _he_  needed to put on too. He stood slowly, one hand balancing himself on the vanity nearby, and managed to get the pants on. It was trying to tie the drawstring that made him lose his balance, and he swayed a bit before landing hard back on the toilet lid. “Whoa...”

“Hey, you okay?” Noah was in front of him in an instant, the t-shirt he had been about to put on now lying forgotten on the floor.

“Yeah,” Luke murmured, eyes closing for a moment, trying to get the world to right itself again. “Tired.”

Noah whispered something else, but Luke couldn’t tell what it was. Soon enough he felt arms go around him again, lifting him up to his feet. He kept his eyes closed, resting his face forward onto soft, warm skin that was tight over strong muscle. Damn it. Why couldn’t he have waited to fall  _after_  Noah had a shirt on? He fought the urge to press his mouth there instead, to find out if Noah still tasted the same-

Noah was still talking softly, voice calm and reassuring as he half-carried Luke out of the bathroom. Luke felt himself get lowered down onto something soft and comfy. Noah’s bed. _Noah’s bed?!_  Luke had a moment of panic at that, but the wooziness took over soon enough. Beds felt good, that was all that mattered.

One of Noah’s giant hands left his shoulder then, and Luke dragged his eyes open to find out why. He realized he was sitting propped up against Noah, who was holding a bottle of water and two pills. He held them out, face somehow both stern and pleading at the same time. Luke had never been able to say no to that look. He took the aspirin and the water, swallowed them both, and flopped down onto his back on the bed.

Eyes closed again, he could only lay there listlessly as a comforter was pulled up over him, tucked in around him so he could tangle his feet in it (and really, how many people on earth knew that he liked to have the comforter that way?). The pillow was readjusted under his head a little, and Luke could’ve sworn that for a second he felt a hand run through his hair, smooth it down. It felt wonderful, a gesture he sometimes still dreamed about, and he decided to enjoy it no matter if it was real or not.

“Luke, I’m going to sit here for awhile to make sure you’re okay. If I fall asleep, will you promise to wake me up if you need me?” Noah’s voice was all rumbly. It made Luke sleepy.

He nodded, humming out a sigh. “I love you, Noah,” he mumbled, his words still slurred.

There was silence for a moment, then the sound of Noah standing from the bed, sitting down somewhere nearby. “I know you did, Luke. It’s okay.”

Luke wanted to correct him, Noah hadn’t heard him right. Not ‘loved.’ It wasn’t past-tense. It was present and future and any tense that hadn’t been thought of yet. He needed to tell Noah that. But he was in Noah’s shirt and in Noah’s bed, surrounded by that familiar, comforting smell. Coffee and Old Spice and Noah-Mayerness. Luke didn’t think he’d ever fallen asleep faster in his life.

He woke up just as suddenly.

For a moment he was unsure of where he was and what had happened, but then it all came flooding back to him. A glance at the clock told him it was about 5am, and a glance around the room told him he wasn’t alone. There was Noah sitting on the floor, leaning back against the wall next to the bed. Still in just pajama pants from the night before, the t-shirt still lying forgotten nearby. Fast asleep. Watching over Luke.

Luke hated and loved it all in one breath. He took a moment to study Noah, the guy who had loved him before he could even say the word, who had loved him even when he didn’t want to, who had loved him even when Luke tried to convince everyone (including himself) that it was one-sided. Who still loved him.

He sat up, silently pushing the comforter off. Sitting on the edge of the bed, the urge to reach out and touch Noah was so strong that his hand was up and out before he even realized it. But then... but then he spied the open, empty suitcase in the corner of the bedroom and snatched his hand back. No.

Noah was going to LA in just a few days. No way was Luke going to disrupt everything (again) and ruin Noah’s potential future. Because if he touched Noah right now, woke him up, kissed him, anything... Noah would stay. Noah would stay for him, and he shouldn’t. He wasn’t going to let Noah stay in some podunk Illinois town to take care of his sloppy mess of an ex-boyfriend when he should be out taking the world by storm. Proving to everyone- including his dad, himself- that he was talented and amazing and everything that was great.

Everything Luke currently wasn’t.

So instead, he crept out of the bed, changed back into his clothes from the night before (which, of course, were sitting on the dresser, folded neatly), and- with one last painful glance back at Noah- snuck out of the apartment.

As he started the short walk back to Old Town to get his car, he remembered promising to wake Noah up if he needed him. And, with his heart hurting as much as it ever had, he realized,  _this is how it feels when someone (like you) breaks a promise_.

 _1\. July 2011_

Luke would never confess to ‘planning’ being his strong suit. He tended to act in the now, possible consequences be damned.

He had never regretted that more than he did tonight.

He was sitting in a rental car, hands tight on the steering wheel. He was parked on the side of the road, across the street from an apartment. In LA. Noah’s apartment. And he really wished he had called ahead.

He had been sitting here for maybe half an hour when he finally caught sight of his ex, and for more than a minute he was pretty sure he had stopped breathing. Because his lungs and everything else were suddenly sucked up into the pure Noah-ness that was Noah. There was no other way to describe it.

The only problem was, Noah hadn’t been alone when he saw him.

They had been walking side by side- not holding hands or anything, but definitely comfortable with each other. Noah was shrugging and smiling bashfully while the other guy (damn it) was saying something with a teasing grin. A good-looking guy. Like, really good-looking. Sure, he wasn’t up to a  _Noah_ -level of hot, but the two of them definitely made a nice looking... couple (damn it).

They had walked together up to Noah’s door, lingering there for a few minutes, still talking. Other Guy (damn it) had reached out and adjusted the collar of Noah’s shirt, tapped him playfully on the nose, and kissed him before walking away with a wave. Noah waved back and headed inside to his apartment.

That was an hour ago. The light in his apartment stayed on for another half hour, and then went out. And Luke stayed in his car, still gripping the steering wheel and staring at his keys hanging in the ignition. He should just use them. He should turn the car on, drive it back to the airport, and go back to his non-life in Oakdale. Noah had a life and a career and a boyfriend...

No. No. That is what the old Luke would do. Give up, push Noah away even when Noah didn’t know he was doing it. So he saw a guy (damn it) kiss Noah. Big deal, right? It didn’t mean it was anything serious. Hell, the guy didn’t even get invited inside! Luke wasn’t going to avoid his mistakes or regrets anymore.

And that little pep talk lasted him all the way from the car to the apartment building, from pocketing his keys to knocking on the door. But no pep talk in the world was enough to withstand the sight that greeted him when the door opened. There stood Noah, sleepy and bewildered, wire-frame glasses slightly crooked on his face, looking about as shocked as a person could look. And wearing those same damn pajama pants, slung low on cut, beautiful hips. Luke curled his fingers into his palms to keep from touching them.  _Not yet._

“L-Luke?” Noah’s voice managed to crack on just one syllable.

“Last time I checked,” he answered lamely, weak smile in place. As though this was anything close to normal and expected.

Ingrained politeness had Noah stepping back, allowing Luke to come in. They both sat on the couch awkwardly, Luke too nervous to give in to curiosity and inspect the place. He just stared at Noah, drinking him in. He was still so gorgeous and effortlessly sexy, and in a way Luke thanked God that Noah had never been this golden-tan in Oakdale. Holy shit.

“Um, what...” Noah swallowed audibly, his hands buried in his lap as though that would keep Luke from seeing they were shaking. Luke could see, but he didn’t dare say anything, especially considering his own hands were just as trembly. “What are you doing here? Did you just get here? It’s late, you weren’t driving were you? All the way from Oakdale? Luke that’s-”

Again, Luke wasn’t into 'planning ahead.' So he shut up Noah’s rambling the only way he knew how. He quickly slid across the couch cushions and three feet of space between them, capturing Noah’s mouth with his. In that instant, Luke could’ve sworn he heard bells and whistles and a heavenly chorus of angels singing and all that stuff. It was magical. And yet it was real, and Luke had never felt more real in his life than when he was kissing Noah.

Noah had tensed up for just a second, but then he melted into the kiss, pulling Luke closer and closer. His hands were spread wide against Luke’s back, tracing his spine up and down. Luke would’ve reveled more in the feeling, but he was busy burying his fingers in Noah’s hair, holding him carefully in place so he could sink into his lap and into his mouth.

When they finally broke apart for much needed air, Luke stayed where he was. He was straddling Noah’s lap, and he liked being there. He liked his fingers trailing through Noah’s hair too, and he rested their foreheads together to regain some balance.

“Luke,” Noah whispered, his eyes closed. “Before... before anything else, I have to tell you, I’ve been-”

“I saw, Noah,” Luke’s voice was just as quiet. He traced the edge of Noah’s glasses to his ear, twisting the unruly ends of his hair. “I saw him walk you to the door.”

Noah flinched, still leaning his head against Luke’s. “It’s not- it’s nothing serious. We’re just-”

Luke kissed him again, quick and soft this time. “I don’t care. Doesn’t matter. If I have to fight him, I will. I’m fighting for you now, okay? I don’t know if I deserve to have you sometimes, Noah. Don't argue with me, it's just how I feel sometimes. But I also feel that you deserve to have everything you want, and I want to make this happen, because I-”

“I want you,” it was Noah’s turn to interrupt, and he did quickly and vehemently, holding on tight. “Always have, Luke. Always will. I told you I would wait, and I... I...” he stuttered for a second, then picked up Luke’s hand, holding it against his chest, over his heart. “Luke, you’re here. Got it? You’re the only one here. I want you.”

“I want you too,” Luke croaked out. “I hate that I let you go without telling you that. I hate that I didn’t tell you again how much I love you.”

He watched Noah’s face wash over with a dozen different emotions. Noah tilted his head downward, away from Luke’s gaze. “I- I thought...” he couldn’t continue.

But luckily Luke could. “Baby,” he gently pulled Noah’s face back up towards his. “No matter what stupid stuff I do or you do or other people do, that kind of love doesn’t disappear. And I’m gonna spend as much time as it takes proving to you that I believe it.”

And he wasn’t sure if he kissed Noah then, or if Noah kissed him. It didn’t matter, really. They moved together, breathed together. Fell together. And as clothes and glasses and past regrets were shed away, something broken between them came back together. Fixed.


End file.
